Jason Lawrence Bell
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07-29-20                            AUDIO AVAILABLE SOON

‘Demons. It feels like digging devils, trampling thru my brain. Repeating over and over ‘love wears off, love dissolves, empty promises never evolve,’ Brian desperately tries to explain his anxieties to his new therapist. Brian is sitting in front of his third psychologist this month. He needs immediate relief.

Drugs seem to work only by putting him in a deep sleep. But he eventually wakes up, to a manic mind and vivid memories of the worst day of his life. Talk therapy is too time-consuming and is slow to show any results. Adverse Therapy brings back detailed memories that re-traumatize Brian and slows recovery. Meditation is too subtle and weak to touch the energy of the demons.

The new therapist is Dr Paquette. Her specialty is psychological trauma and she uses unique treatments towards recovery. Brian squirms in his chair, Dr. Paquette wants him to relax and asks him to move and lay back on the couch and close his eyes. She knows Brian is skeptical after so many attempts, but her use of hypnosis works differently with less anxiety in recovery.

Brain does not realize he is now deep in a hypnotic state, as Dr Paquette continues. ‘Brian, I want you to recall the morning of the offense. What were your first thoughts when you awoke?’ With his eyes closed, Brain calmly smiles, ‘I woke with Sandy by my side. I watched her sleep. She looked angelic and I felt like I had an aura of love for her that surrounded her completely. She was pregnant with our baby. Ah ah,’ Brian started looking sad. Dr Paquette softly spoke. ‘Brian I want you to imagine your right hand and when you press two fingers together it immediately affects the intensity of all emotions. You seem a little sad. Press your fingers together and let the sadness dissolve.’ Brian pressed his fingers together. ‘Wow, it like the emotion is smaller in size and I easily push it away.’ Dr Paquette, ‘now you have a tool to help control your emotions. Use it when you need.’

‘Now what happens after you watch Sandy sleep.’ Brian smiles, ‘we had been trying to get pregnant for a long time, but nothing. Until two days early, when Sandy showed me the positive pregnancy test. I was over the moon. Sandy looks amazing beautiful pregnant and she was already preparing for our new arrival. She had baby cloths and a crib picked out. And life insurance to protect our child.’ Dr Paquette noticed Brian pressing his fingers together. He waited until Brian seemed ready to continue. ‘So, Sandy wanted me to sign the insurance forms immediately, so that we were safe. I remember Sandy showing me her flat stomach and saying, ‘soon it won’t be flat.’

Then I got into the shower to get ready for work. I was so engulfed in happiness that I was singing at the top of my lungs. Life was beautiful.’ Brian paused and his fingers squeezed. Dr Paquette reminded him, ‘make the emotions weaker and weaker. Push them to the side. Continue when you are ready.’ Brian started talking quickly as if to blurt out words while he could. ‘The shower door opened and I turned around and there was Sandy with gun. The gun was clicking but not firing. Sandy was cussing at the gun and pointing it at me, pulling the trigger over and over. But it would not fire.’ Dr. Paquette asked, ‘what were you doing? Keep using your tool. Make the emotions smaller and smaller.’ Brian quickly answered, ‘nothing, I was doing nothing. I was a frozen naked target. Sandy got angry and tried to hit me with the gun. But I took it away from her and she ran out of the bathroom.’

Brian’s fingers were white from pressing. Brian rapidly continued, ‘somehow I knew to get dressed and get out of the apartment. My mind felt assaulted, part of me wished the gun had killed me. But I kept moving and when I got outside, I saw the police cars. And Sandy was handcuffed. My mind couldn’t process. I was overwhelmed and passed out.’

Dr Paquette saw Brian exhausted on the couch, and asked, ‘would you like to stop for the day. You have been incredibly brave and have done great work today. Should we stop for today?’ Brian surprisingly answers, ‘no let’s keep going. I’m feeling stronger. Don’t stop, okay?’ Dr. Paquette nodded yes and Brian closed his eyes.

‘Shortly after when I was being interviewed at the policed station, I found out that the undercover police were involved from the beginning. For months Sandy had been trying to buy a hit man. That’s when police found out and had an undercover cop meet Sandy. They had lots of videos. I watched Sandy tell them how badly she wanted me dead. How she needed a gun? Then she decided that she wanted to save money and do it herself.’ Brian’s fingers were tight as he continued. ‘Thank god, they gave her a gun that wouldn’t fire. I truly believed she loved me and we were going to be parents. She hated me. She was fucking evil.’

Then Brian started sobbing. Dr Paquette thought crying was cathartic to Brian at this point and covered him with a blanket and simply said, ‘yes Brian you are the innocent. Allow yourself to cry her out of your life and heal.’ With that Brian’s sobbing went deeper and his cries became wails. Dr Paquette was also feeling exhausted but knew there was more. Dr Paquette was aware of something from the investigation that Brian did not know. Somehow at some time, Dr Paquette needed to tell Brian that baby wasn’t his. Peace